I die every single day. There are good days but there are also very bad days. Even when I am among people I feel lonely. Each day is a battle against something invisible. My worst enemy is my brain.
I feel as there is no hope, as I am the worthless person who doesn’t deserve love. Sometimes it feels like my anxiety is my best friend.
Due to anxiety I sleep all day because I feel so tired and exhausted. Due to anxiety I often skip dinner. Because of anxiety I don’t go out on Saturday evening so I can go to church Sunday morning. And then it tells me that I am a big loser that even a prayer cannot help me. So I don’t go to church.
I often make a to-do list but anxiety tells me that I should give up because I’m not able of completing the list. Due to anxiety I try to clean my house before leaving but then anxiety makes me feel terrible because I’m late for work. Anxiety doesn’t allow me to check the mail box because there is probably some very disturbing news there.
Anxiety persuades me that I must get a master degree but then it tells me that I ‘m not capable of doing it. Due to anxiety I feel that I have found the job I love but it also makes me feel as that job is not a real job and I should be ashamed. Due to anxiety I go to take a bath and relax but then I start feeling scared of what might happen. I often drink alcohol to help me feel relaxed and talk to people but in the morning I need to deal with regret because that person was not me.
I pray to God but anxiety cannot go away. When I go shopping, I cannot decide what to buy and when I buy something I feel terrible for spending money. Due to anxiety I need time to text back or to make plans. I often watch my phone ringing until it goes to voicemail and then I feel too ashamed to listen to the voicemail.
Due to anxiety I feel stressed because of stress, worried because of worrying or crying because of crying. Sometimes it feels as this body is not mine while lying on the floor and crying, not knowing how to stop. I know what anxiety is, I can feel it, but I can’t understand it.
Sometimes I just want to clean my house, do my hair, read a book and feel as I am not trying hard to enjoy. I really want to cook so I buy healthy food all the time but the food stays in the fridge until it rots. Anxiety is all about making plans and cancelling in the last moment. It is all about feeling motivated and enthusiastic while stuck in a big hole.
Sometimes my heart is beating so fast, my hands sweating while I have a fake smile on my face. I just buy plants all the time as they are known to relieve stress. So I put them in a perfect spot and then I forget something very important- watering them. They die. Even worst I forget to take my medicines so I have panic attacks. Anxiety is a wish to be well again.
Anxiety makes me feel tired of explaining what anxiety is. When you want to run away from everything and start your life all over again. Anxiety is when you are terrified from the unknown and under constant stress. It is when you repeat every conversation in your head because you think that you have said something wrong. Anxiety makes you live in the past or in the future never living in the present. Anxiety makes you nervous because there are too many brands of toothpaste in the store. Anxiety is when you decide not to go out because you cannot choose the perfect outfit so you stay at home crying.
Anxiety hurts so much, it is lonely and exhausting. People can’t understand it. It is a curse that will never leave me.
The only thing I can do is to fight. I need to accept that anxiety is deceitful, that I must control it. I share my experience with you because there are many people out there that suffer from anxiety. They need to know that they are not alone. You will be ok, you will defeat anxiety.