There are many days when I lay in the bed and I’m not able to get up. Sometimes I spend 18-24 hours lying and just staring at the ceiling. I cannot sleep because there are million thoughts in my head and I cannot persuade my body to get up and take shower if nothing else.
I’m diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and major depression.
I spend many days like this.
Often when I talk with people and they ask me about my day I tell them the truth.
“Hey, how’s your week going?”
Me: “Oh it’s alright. I spent all day in bed yesterday, I just couldn’t get up.” And the response is almost the same: “Oh man! I’m so jealous! You’re so lucky! I wish I could have stayed in bed. But I have work and [insert other responsibilities] I had to take care of.” This is so frustrating because I didn’t choose to stay in bed, I didn’t want to and for sure I didn’t enjoy it.
I don’t want to waste my whole day. Sometimes when I am OK and I function normally I enjoy sleeping after finishing my obligations. But not always.
When I feel depressed, I feel pain throughout my whole body so I cannot get up. Everything is black around me, everything is discouraging. I feel afraid of doing even the simplest things like washing the dishes. I’m without energy. I cannot even brush my teeth.
And I feel so weak and also ashamed because it is 8 p.m. and I’m still lying in my bed.
Sometimes I feel strong enough to fight these feelings but sometimes anxiety and depression are stronger than me.
There is this enormous guilt that I waste my time and life like this. I also feel guilty because of many canceled meetings and unanswered text messages.
For example this morning I called work to say that I’m sick just 15 minutes before work starts. And I really wanted to go but I just couldn’t. I lied that I had fever and that I was vomiting. And I was sick but I couldn’t say that my brain was sick because it is not an acceptable disease and excuse for not showing up to work.
One time I had an appointment with a friend. I haven’t seen this friend for a long time but I just couldn’t go out so I sent a text message: “Hey, sorry I can’t make it. I’ve been throwing up and in bed all day.” And I always feel awful after this.
I try really hard to convince myself that I will be Ok. But all the demons in my head and guilt I feel convince me that I am not good enough, that I am weak and unworthy. They whisper me that I am a lousy colleague and friend. I am not even able to get up from bed.
You may think that I’m not fighting harder, that I am too weak. But when I do succeed in defeating my demons, I realize how strong I am. I fight every single day, I fight for better future.
So, next time please don’t tell me how jealous you are when I stay in bed all day long. This is something I wouldn’t wish even on my worst enemies.