Dear Self, I Am Aware That Fighting Depression Is Really Hard

I am aware that it is quite difficult. There are no words that can explain how alone, numb and empty you feel. I know that you need to fight depression and I know what is your opinion on stereotypical self-harm. I am well aware that it doesn’t make it any less real. I know that you often feel as there is no hope for you. I know that you often think about suicide but no matter how hard you try, those destructive thoughts are always there in your head. I know that sometimes you think that if you die the world will not change: the sun will still shine, the moon will still appear together with those twinkling stars and birds will sing anyway.

I know you don’t talk about your feelings with other people because you don’t want their sympathy. You don’t want people’s attention even when depression hits you hard. In those moments you lose your breath and you feel as your chest is being pushed in so hard.

I know how hard you try to stop your tears and how you envy all those healthy people who don’t need medications to control their emotions and moods. I know that you feel as the weight of the whole world is put on your shoulders. I know that your loved ones expect you to be strong. I know how you hate when someone asks you: “How are you doing today?” and you need to lie: “I’m good, how are you?”

And you want to scream: “I’m not OK.” But if you do that you are scared that people will think that you are crazy. I know that this is so much more than just a “phase.” I know that it is not just something in your head. I know that “thinking positive” cannot help at all. I also know that “praying” cannot help as well. I know that “this will pass” will not make depression go away. I know that most of the time you feel like this. I know that you try to smile at work just to avoid so many annoying questions. I am aware that you would rather avoid talking if you had a choice. I know that you often feel worthless and that you are alone even when you are surrounded with many people.

But remember one thing- YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I will never judge you and I will support you no matter what. I can see your pain. It is truly OK not to be OK!



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